Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
