i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
