Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
