I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
