with your own penis?
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
