I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
