Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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