I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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