is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Randomize
