FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
