I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize