I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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