Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
