I murdered the dance floor call the cops
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
