this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize