If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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