I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
