he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
