I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
