I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
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