the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
