thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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