you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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