how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
