i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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