New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Randomize
