I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
