1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
