so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize