I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
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