Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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