I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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