we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
