just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
