so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
