We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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