When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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