My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize