Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
