I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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