the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
