guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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