Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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