so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
