Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
