My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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