im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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