new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
