went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
