Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
