my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
