i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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