a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
