If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
