using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
