you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize