Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
