Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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