My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize