This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
