Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
