I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The struggles of a small town man whore
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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