I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
