he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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