i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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