Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
