You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize
