Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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