oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize