Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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